My recent Head Games video took me a bit by surprise.
What I started out wanting to talk about was a sort of “the good, the bad, the ugly” sort of thing where I talked about some of the good things I’ve experienced recently due to WLS, some of the bad things I’m struggling with, and the ugly truth about excess skin.
I took a couple runs at it because I kept rambling on and going too long, I wanted to keep this under that magic 10-minute mark and kept blowing it.
So yea, things kind of wandered, but that’s fine. The whole body image thing has been in the back of my mind for awhile and something I’ve wanted to tackle but just haven’t gotten around to it. Plus, there are so many aspects to a topic like this it can be hard to know where to begin.
Warning, here be ramblings.
Readers Digest version… I wasn’t always fat. I was fairly normal as a young kid. Very active in sports, but I sucked at phys-ed. I hated the whole Presidential Fitness thing they did ever year. Couldn’t do chin-ups to save my life, and was always one of the last to finish at the running thing. I have memories of being part of Weight Watcher’s by the time I was out of Grade School…. and again in High School. In middle school I was big enough that the shirts that came with the gym uniform were tight on me and I earned the nickname “porky”, and I was well over 200 pounds by the time I graduated high school.
Combined with issues at home with my step-dad and with the exception of a few close friends I always felt quite the outcast.
I’ve had a few girl-friends over the years, but I never really… dated. I dunno. In many ways it’s because I never trusted myself. Yea, I would find someone attractive, and was attracted to someone here and there. But when it came to getting in to a relationship… was it because I truly felt something, or was I just happy enough that I found someone that expressed some interest in me?
I don’t regret any of the (few) relationships I was in, but looking back I can’t help but wonder why I was in some (most) of them.
In my early 30′s I had really gotten to the point where I had made a sort of peace with myself, that I was going to remain single. Yea, I know, looking back it seems kinda stupid. I mean, I was only in my 30s. But I was over pushing 350 pounds at the time. Between not trusting my own feelings and basically not feeling worthy, I had resigned myself to being alone. Sure, I got lonely at times. But what’s a seriously overweight, seriously introverted guy gonna do?
I would cover it with a bit of humor – I would say how I’m going to grow up to be that old guy sitting on the front steps in the Bermuda shorts with black socks, watering the grass with the hose and threatening to spray any of the kids that got too close to my lawn.
Then I met ‘her’. Not something I expected to do. Not something I wanted to do. But I guess that’s how it typically happens, no? She was the first woman I could say I really pursued. And as I told her once, I could close my eyes and see me as that old man on the front porch, but now I was relaxing in a rocking chair and instead of snarling at kids I saw her there with me, just enjoying the evening.
Obviously, that ain’t happening.
Things didn’t work out. Part of me still isn’t entirely sure why. Another part of me does blame the weight.
When that ended, I had my last major weight-loss prior to my surgery stuff. I went through a period of depression and I couldn’t eat. I lost about 40 pounds in less than two months. Not a weight-loss program I would recommend to anyone. And of course as things got better for me, I put the weight back on… and then some.
So yea, late last year, after having lost over 150 pounds, my life was going good. Really good. But I was … lonely.
Ok, that never really went away, but I’m not sure what’s worse. Being fat and alone, I guess I could bury those feelings in a bowl of ice cream, or a plate full of sour cream enchiladas, or whatever cheese laden, sauce topped, sugar loaded food I happened to have around.
But I don’t do that any more.
So I decided to try the online dating thing. Initially I got some good response, which was… weird. I was not really expecting it… but I went with the flow. Met a couple of nice women, chatted with a few others, and even “dated” someone for a little while.
It ended after she decided she was still too hung up on her ex, which was probably a good thing.
Looking back, I think I was getting in to the same old habit. Yea, I “liked” her. Yea, she was damn attractive… petite, brunette, very affectionate. But… I don’t think it would have lasted long anyways. At least it shouldn’t have. I think I was more in to the idea of being with someone than I was about being with her.
It wasn’t long after that I decided that maybe I’m just not ready yet.
So three months later, that’s where I’m still at. The idea of being with someone is still very appealing. It’s not that I had a bad life before, but things are just so much… more… now, that I think about the only thing that could make it better at this point is to have someone special to share it with.
I’ve made some ‘excuses’ about being too busy. I’m attending support-group meetings nearly once a week. Volunteering at the intro meetings for my surgeon a few times a month. Trying to make sure I get my exercise in. But really, I’m just not ready.
For as far as I’ve come, I still have a ways to go. I still suck at taking compliments, especially about my looks. To believe that someone might find me attractive, physically attractive, is still a foreign concept for me.
I am much more comfortable with who I am, I am much less introverted than I’ve ever been, but along with the weight I’ve lost I lost something else. I lost a lot of what made me, me. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing either, but it is something I’ve yet to fully wrap my head around.
While I may never fully do so, I think I need to get a better grip on it, get a better grip on who I am before adding something like a relationship in to the mix.
This is part of that whole mantra about how we have WLS to fix our body, but the mind stuff, that’s all up to us.
So yea, I’m ok with things like they are right now. Well, mostly. Some days are better than others. But I know that each week that goes by I am making progress, I am moving in a very good direction. And maybe, just maybe, years from now I will have someone with me on that front porch.
image credit: Waka Jawaka
This post was so sincere. Thank you for sharing. I think most of us have had similar feelings throughout our obese lives. As a newbie to this WLS stuff, I can relate to still being cautious about the attention, and thinking that having that someone special to share the rest of my life with would be the ultimate. But, I, also, realize that I am a new person now; I am changing and growing in so many ways. I call my journey a “re-birth” because I do feel like I have been born again. I, too, am trying to wrap my head around all these changes. I’m afraid to let somebody in to my life right now because I don’t think I will even be the same person next year that I am today.
Again, thanks for sharing. I really like reading your blogs. You are so open and real.
BTW: Where are you?? You haven’t posted anything in a few days.
Thanks, while I do this mostly for myself, the feedback I get is a nice plus. It sounds contrite at times, but the whole pay it forward is a nice bonus in all this.
This was actually the first “new” thing I’ve written in awhile. Course it was started weeks ago and I just finally finished it.
I have some older stuff, more “flashback” posts to put up, just been busy the last few days.
I swear…I could have written this entry. Word for word.
I was just bouncing around your website and found this. I am touched by your honesty.
And I can honestly say I totally understand. My weight was a compilation of surgical procedures that limited my ability to function combined with comfort. I stopped dating because I was attracting the wrong kind of guys.
I start anew now and yet I am not sure who I am and if I am ready to “relate”. I admit part of me is afraid too.
I wish you well.