I’m ok when it comes to computer stuff. Enough so that I’m the family “computer guy”. When there’s problems, I’m the one that gets the call. My aunt has an HP laptop that stopped booting, something with the Windows install is hosed, can’t be repaired so she asked if I could try to get her photos off the hard drive. I used an Ubuntu Live CD and was able to grab the pics no problem… and that’s when I found this one…
According to the meta-data on the photo, it’s January 2006… then there was this one from about a year later.. meta-data says January 2007, but it may have been December 2006.
I think I actually cringed when I saw these. Compare that to this shot from last Sunday…
I… I can’t believe I was that big.
I mean, I knew I was. I knew I was much closer to 400 than I was 300. I knew I was BIG. But back then especially, I wouldn’t… I couldn’t… let myself think about it. I’d look in the mirror to shave, but even then I wasn’t looking at me. And pictures? I avoided them when I could.
A few years back, when our paintball team was at our peak of about 60 members, we had a weekend event that included taking individual photos. I refused. I avoided it for as long as I could and finally flat out refused. I had this picture of me from a few years and a number of pounds earlier, and there was no way in hell I was going to have a picture of me at that weight taken to be used on our web site and such if there was anything I could do about it. And I didn’t.
I don’t know how I got that way. It wasn’t overnight, it was a slow, painful process that included any number of things from an alcoholic father, divorced parents, teased as a kid, a drugged out step-dad, a middle-school nickname of “porky”, and who knows what else… this all led to me being well over 200 pounds by the time I graduated high school and lay the groundwork for things like a low self-esteem that just fed this snowball effect that put me at a highest weight of AT LEAST 380 pounds.
The body… it’s done a complete 180. Well, closer to 190 at this point.
The head, it’s still got some catching up to do.
I’m still snacking more than I should. More than I need to be. I’m a bit forgetful on the supplements here and there. I don’t track my food like I really should be… and when I do… I know I’m not always completely honest about it.
But I suppose it’s getting there.
I’ve (mostly) given up thinking in terms of a goal weight, because that’s such a small piece of the puzzle. WLS is not a destination, it’s a journey through and through. And the path it follows isn’t an easy one. It’s full of hairpin turns, littered with debris and pot-holes and sometimes there’s a flat out road block.
But I’ll take it. Cause the not only does the view along this trip continue to get better and better, the trip itself gets longer and longer because I’m healthier now than I’ve been in decades. This is a trip I can enjoy, despite… and in spite of the struggles along the way.
And while it kinda sucked looking at those first couple pictures, I think I’m glad I have them… to have the reminder of where I was, so I can truly appreciate where I am now, and to motivate me to make sure that’s all they are… memories.
Awesome post! Do you suppose you were meant to see those pics at this time to remind you of the wonderful changes that have taken place in your life? Thank you for sharing this post and all your other posts with us. They are wonderful support for those of us just starting out.
Maybe… I dunno. Pics like this bring up such mixed emotions… ones I’m just not used to I guess. Like so much of this, it’s just another thing that I will have to learn to deal with.