Let me start by saying I’m sorry.
There were 300-plus people in Vegas this weekend for the WLSFA Meet & Greet, and I met but a handful. If you weren’t one of them… I’m sorry. Or maybe you were one of the ones I did meet, but didn’t really talk to. Maybe we were sitting at the same table during lunch… or sitting near each other during one of the speakers… or just standing in line as we were waiting to get a sample at one of the vendor booths.
It shouldn’t have taken much for me to say “hi, I’m Rob”. Heck, I even came prepared with business cards I had done up to pimp the site here. And I’m sure there were people I had met or talked to or whatever at one point that later I maybe didn’t recognize, or recognize right away. I’m sorry bout that.
Not to sound cliche here either, but “it’s not you, it’s me”.
You see, I’m kinda shy.
Yea. In certain situations I hide it pretty well. But most of the time I am painfully shy. I am a certified (or maybe certifiable?) wall flower. I’m downright socially inept at times, and at others just sorta awkward. And for those that came up to me and said hi because you recognized me from here or BTV or whatever… thank you. It meant more to me than I’m sure I was able to truly express at the time, but unfortunately it is also something I’m still learning to deal with. And don’t get me wrong… it’s getting better all the time.
As a fat person, some of us tended to compensate by hiding… others by putting themselves waaaaay out there. I was a hider. And it’s not something you can just turn off when you’re not longer the “fat one” in the room. The self-consciousness, the self-doubt, the insecurities don’t just go away as that number on the scale drops. You don’t throw away those inhibitions in the way you can get rid of that size 40 pair of jeans that’s now 4 sizes too big for you.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to apologize for being shy. I’m sure just about all of you can relate. No, I’m just sorry that I didn’t get… no.. take.. that I didn’t take the opportunity to get to know more people, to put myself out there more, to make more of an effort.
But then again, sometimes it’s not about taking the giant leaps (nothing personal Ian! heh.). Sometimes it’s about the small changes, the baby steps. And I think I did take some of those this weekend. Introducing myself to some of the vendors, not just as a customer… but approaching them about my upcoming fund raiser. And I did introduce myself to some folks that even just last year I may not have been able to approach.
And I suppose I did take some bigger steps as well – getting up in front of all of you to introduce Ian when he presented the check from his fund raising efforts. That was something I decided to do at the last minute (thank you Antonia for letting me do so…) and it’s a good thing it was so last minute. I was scared enough was it was, but had I given myself any sort of time to actually think about what I was about to do, I might have just shut down. But no, I got up there, did my best not to actually look out and see just how many of you there were out there and hoped you couldn’t hear the cracking that I felt my voice was doing, and then getting out of there as quickly as I could.
In something like this, it really isn’t about the destination, it’s about just embarking on the journey. About taking those steps, big and small, towards becoming more the person you want to be.
So again, if I didn’t get the chance to meet you this time, I’m sorry. I hope by next time we have the chance I’ll have made more progress and we’ll get the opportunity to have a nice conversation.
If you were out in Vegas, were there any small (or large) steps that YOU made in breaking free of your own personal barriers? If so… feel free to share them in the comments.
