So I’m in the shower… (no, this isn’t gonna be THAT kind of a post) and my thoughts wander to some stuff I want to post about today, cause it’s been waaaaay too long. And there’s just something relaxing about a nice hot shower that lets my mind wander rather nicely.

I went out for a walk/run this morning, going through the Couch to 5K stuff again, trying to get my running game back on… so my phone was still playing music as I was showering. I was formulating thoughts in my head on what I wanted to write about… I need to include some thoughts on the bit of weight that’s creeping up on me. My size 33 shorts are still fitting, but they are a bit snug when I put them on right out of the dryer.

Most people who see me (unless you’re right there as I step out of the shower I suppose… but like I said, it wasn’t gonna be THAT kind of a post) wouldn’t notice the difference. I do, and I’m determined to do something about it. Thus, getting up at 5am the other morning to go for a walk/run, going for a bike ride after work Friday, and another walk/run this morning.

Anyways, as I turn off the water and grab for my towel, one song ends, and another begins.

Dido, Live at Brixton Academy.

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
but I’m so lonely I don’t even want to be with myself anymore

Wow.

Isn’t it ironic?

Wait, wrong artist.

See… besides being Sunday… besides being Easter… today is the 3-year anniversary of my bariatric surgery.

Now, I’m not trying to say this is exactly how I’m feeling. I mean, I feel safe. And overall, I’m happy. In many ways I’m happier than I have been in … I couldn’t tell you how long. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. I realize it’s not Thanksgiving, and while I’m not particularily religous I know I have a lot to be thankful/grateful for in my life right now.

So yes. I’m “happy”. But I think it’s more about being happy (mostly) where I am at, and happy (mostly) with where I am going. But overall, am I just plain happy? I’m not sure.

Maybe it’s because I’m not feeling deep in my own world… Working two jobs that don’t bring in enough money to pay my bills, trying to do other side things to bring money in while also developing my health coaching business and make time for exercise and even ocassionally getting out to do something fun like a bike ride with a friend or maybe some paintball. Am I in too deep? Sorry, different artist again.

And maybe it’s the feeling lonely. It’s been nearly a year since I was in my last relationship. It’s not that I wouldn’t like to be in another. But… I don’t know. With everything I have going on, with everything I need to do to get to the next place I need to be (as in a stable career that allows me to pay my bills, etc), it seems like adding a relationship in to that right now isn’t… well, let’s put it this way. I’m already feeling stretched to my limit, tring to add more will mean something will suffer. And that wouldn’t be fair to anyone I were to possibly get involved with and/or to myself in regards to my career path, etc.

I don’t have any magic answer here. It’s just .. it just is right now. I’m sure part of why I’m eting more than I need to be lately, eating things I don’t need to be lately, is in part due to the the lonliness. Well, I’ve typically called it “boredom eating”. But I think it’s deeper than that. Knowing that, and fixing it are two different things. But it is a start I suppose. Knowing is half the battle right? I’m aware. I’m not just ignoring it.

I know it will get better.

I know I will be happy again.

It just takes time.

Yesterday was Tuesday. For some people it was also Valentines day.

It’s not like I am a cynic or anything, but I will say I’m glad I wasn’t faced with any sort of overt celebration of anything during the day yesterday. I worked both my main jobs yesterday, so the day ended up going by rather quickly, and uneventfully. Overall I’m pretty ambivalent about the whole Valentines day thing.

The other day, on Google+, one friend posted an item that I spotted when another shared it… I’m copying it here for you to check out.

It’s easy to forget. You’re at a restaurant with your friends and they’ve brought their wife, their husband, their boyfriends and girlfriends. They’re laughing and talking and drinking–maybe their hands touch. They smile at each other and they seem so happy.

And you try to be happy too–but you feel sometimes that you are all alone. Maybe you wonder why you can’t find someone like they have, maybe you did have something like that and through time and human mistakes (theirs or yours) you lost it. Maybe you’ve already convinced yourself you aren’t worth it. No one will love you like that.

So the flowers never arrive. The cards are passed over your head. The chocolates are only for you in front of the T.V. with your favorite movie or your favorite game. Or you’re just going to sit here and drink and pretend that you aren’t thinking about getting up to punch that one guy who keeps singing that stupid love song every half hour during karaoke night.

It gets heavy. You think that you’ll always be alone. You think that it’s your fault. You think that you don’t deserve it.

You do. Every single person–even if it’s just a little while–deserves to know they are loved.

There’s someone out there waiting for you. It might take a bit, but don’t give up.

And if you’re lonesome while you are waiting, know that I love you. It’s not the love you want, but maybe it’s the little love you need to get you through until tomorrow.

So don’t forget–because it’s easy to do–someone, somewhere, loves you.

I posted a response, the first line of which read “ have you been reading my diary?”

It was a joke. Mostly. I don’t have a diary. I have this blog, which is actually read by a couple people here and there. I added a few other thoughts in that comment on G+, and as the thoughts simmered with me over the course of the day I decided I should post about it here. Some of these things I touched on during my talk in Portland last year, some of them I may have eluded to here in the past, but maybe this post will wrap them up all together with a nice bow. Or not.

You see, year ago, back when I was still very much a “fat dude”, I had resigned myself to being alone. I had been in a couple relationships through my 20s. and by few I mean .. a few… as in two, maybe three? I maybe dated one or two others, but there was nothing of much significance. None of them lasted very long really. Even back in High School. I had a girl friend for a brief period in 10th grade, and another briefly in 12th. In my early 30′s there was another couple of brief attempts at relationships that didn’t go anywhere.

See, for the most part I kept getting into these relationships for the wrong reasons. I was picking these women not so much because of my feelings for them, but rather based on feelings I thought they might have for me. I’m not saying there wasn’t attraction on my part, at least on a physical level. But beyond that, they didn’t last because … well for a variety of reasons. But as most folks that have struggled with weight issues can tell you, you often find yourself in a relationship with someone not because of your feelings for them, but because of  the idea that they have feelings for you. And you end up telling yourself, probably on a subconscious level, that it’s good enough, because deep down you are afraid. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of looking at your own true feelings. Whatever, but you get so wrapped up in the prospect that someone might actually like you that you “settle”. You accept it as good enough, because to ask for  more, to find someone that likes you that you also like… well, that’s just not gonna happen. So you take what you can get.

I know that’s what I did. It was safer that way. After years of being in the background, never being the guy that turns the girls heads when you walk in a room, after the rejections, the jokes, the looks… you settle.

It got to the point where I actually had resigned myself, I made the conscious decision that was going to grow old alone.

I would joke about it of course, in that self-deprecating manner so many of us become adept at. I would say I was going to be that old guy, sitting on the front steps watering the grass with the hose. I’d be wearing my Bermuda shorts with black socks and sandals. And I would threaten to spray any kids that got too close to my lawn. That was joke part, see, cause I never wear sandals, let alone with black socks.

Yea, the idea of that actually coming true pretty much sucked. But I believed that’s how it would be.

Then I met “her”. To this day, I don’t know what it was about her that just… well, it sounds cliche… but she turned my world upside down. Here I am, my mid-30s and this was the first woman in my life that I actually pursued. And despite being near my heaviest weight at the time of around 340, I actually started “wearing her down”. Sort of. We developed a strong friendship right away, and before much longer we were in to a relationship, sort-of, but it still wasn’t normal.

We had met through a group activity I was involved in at the time and so we ended up with pretty much the same social circles. But things were very different betwen us when we were with friends versus when we were alone. I found ways to rationalize it to myself, because I … I was happy. Here was someone I liked that seemed to like me as well. She was the first women I could say I loved. To this day, those times together were some of the best I’ve ever had. I should have known it wouldn’t last.

The fact that she ended up with a guy that was less than half my size, well – let’s just say that it didn’t do my self-esteem any favors.

I was in a tail-spin. I went through a period of depression where I lost nearly 50 pounds in a matter of months. Not a weight-loss method I would recommend by the way. As I recovered from that, the weight came back with a vengeance and I was soon over 350… then 360… and before long my heaviest ever, somewhere over 380.

A few years after that, I fell back in to the habit of getting in to a relationship based more on how I thought the other person felt, not because of what my own feelings really were. And of course that didn’t last. It wasn’t much longer after that I made the decision to have bariatric surgery.

By about 6 months after surgery I had lost well over 100 pounds and was feeling pretty good so I started trying some online dating. Met a few very nice women. Was briefly involved with one woman who was recently divorced. She was very accepting of my having had surgery and we had some good times together, but after a couple months we both came to the conclusion that neither of was “ready”. It was too soon after her divorce and too soon after my surgery.

It was nearly 8 months later before I would try again, and after a number of near misses, I met someone that I clicked with. We had a whirlwind of a relationship that lasted over six months when …  well… in her words, it was something to the effect of how I wasn’t making her feel wanted. I think I knew this, but after thinking about it more I realized it’s not because I didn’t want her, but more because I’m “broken”.

I’m not saying that to be self-deprecating or anything. I mean it in all sincerity. I don’t know how to be in a relationship. Yes, there are certain things about relationships that are instinctual I suppose. But there are a number of things about being in a relationship that have to be learned. And maybe that’s what the whole dating ritual is about… from high school on up. It’s practice. It’s about doing something over and over in order to learn how to do it better. It’s gaining experience. And despite the relationships I was in, I did have, I don’t have that experience because they were all the wrong sorts of relationships. They were relationships I was in for the wrong reasons, they were relationships I wasn’t ever really fully a part of.

Part of what I a good at (I think) is being a friend. Going back over the decades, when it came to women, I was “the nice guy”, the guy that hangs out with you at the bars, hearing you talk about the hot guys on the other side of the dance floor. The guy sitting there realizing that there likely isn’t anyone in that group of women on the other side of the dance floor looking over and talking to her friends that way about you.

Don’t get me wrong here, I am blessed to have the friendships I do. I have friends I love dearly, that I know love me. Friends I know I can turn to for help just as much as they know they can turn to me. No, it’s not the same. Friends are fine when your feeling alone, but loneliness is a whole ‘nother story.

There’s the saying “it’s better to have loved and lost…”, sometimes I’m not so sure. Sometimes I lean more towards “ignorance is bliss”, but I can’t change the past.

So instead, well right now I’m keeping myself occupied. Occupied working too many jobs for too little money as I try to build a new career for myself. I continue to take steps towards an overall better life, do things to try and improve myself on various levels. And eventually, if I’m lucky, that’s going to include a relationship with someone.

In the mean time, I hope you had a nice Tuesday.

Lack of self confidence, low self-esteem, a flurry of self doubts. These are all traits shared by many people that are/were obese. And while I’ve made improvements over the last couple of years, I’m no exception.

While I’m getting better, I’m still not the greatest at accepting compliments. I’ve gotten to the point where I can at least say “Thank you.”, but at the same time, deep down, I still find myself doubting the validity of such praise. And it’s nothing to do with the person giving the compliment, it’s not that I find fault with them or believe them to be an insincere person. It’s just that after so many years of knowing, believing, living with the “fact” that I was not as good as the next guy…well, it’s not a perception that can just be turned on or off like the flick of a switch.

There’s been a lot out there lately about the stigma surrounding obesity, with the ever increasing popularity of shows like Biggest Loser and some of the other reality shows as well as some of the sit-coms out there. But even with all that media out there fueling the fires, sometimes I think we’re our own worse enemies. I know in many ways I was… maybe still am.

I wasn’t huge, but I was overweight as a kid and I got some teasing here and there. I was never “popular”. I have clear memories, feelings of being the outsider, even around my circle of “friends”. In grade-school, before we actually knew what the heck was going on, I wasn’t the boy the girls had the crush on.And that’s an aspect to this that doesn’t seem to get talked about a lot. Yea, the teasing gets a lot of focus… you could call it a “bad” form of attention. But sometimes I think the lack of a “good” form of attention is just as… damaging?

Did I become starved for attention to the point where I put myself out there as “the friend”? I had a number of friends… many female… but that’s all we were, friends. I was the big brother, the guy with the shoulder to cry on when the “hot dude” treated them badly. I was the one settling for what ever sort of attention I could get… just to have some.

Sure, I had a few girlfriends, dated a bit here and there. I would hear others lament the fact how it had been weeks… maybe even months since their last relationship and silently wonder what was wrong with me because my yardstick was marked in years.

And looking back, I was probably in most of those relationships longer than I should have been… for the simple reason that I wanted to in in a relationship, any relationship. Even if I was in it mainly because I thought I found someone that actually liked me… who cares if my own initial attraction had waned. Here was someone (I thought) wanted to be with me, I was going to take what I could get and make the best of it… cause it was likely going to be the best I could do.

Of course on some level I knew that was pretty screwed up. And it only fueled much of my own self-doubts, causing me to read more in to things that would happen than were actually there. While sometimes that was the case, I think in others it served only to become self-fulfilling prophecy. Relationships are tough enough when you don’t get in to them already out to sabotage yourself.

Note: Like many things I write about, I start out in one direction and things veer off in another. This one not only did that, but went a bit deeper than I originally planned, so I’m breaking it up in to a couple of posts.

Note: I started writing this three months ago… figured it was time to finish it.

Life is full of changes.

Two years ago I kicked my “Coke habit. Nineteen months ago I had my RNY surgery. Three months ago I started dating a wonderful woman. Three weeks ago, my 16+ year old cat died. Nine days ago I became unemployed.

So yea, some changes are good. Some not so good.

I started to write “some changes are good, some bad”, but I stopped myself. I’m not sure I can believe that change, in and of itself is ever “bad”. I guess in that regard, I shouldn’t really say change is good either.

Change is… change.

We have to deal with change all the time. Even if we’re not always aware of it I think. But those things I mentioned up there were some of the more significant ones I’ve dealt with over the last couple years. These are changes I am still “dealing with”.

The Coke thing. It becomes less of an issue over time, but even now, two years later I can still remember the taste of an ice-cold Coke on a hot day. I can feel the sensation of the carbonation rolling over my tongue. And there are times when I walk past a cooler in the store, or a vending machine, where I can almost feel myself reaching for a bottle. But on the good side, well, if you are struggling with weight yourself, I can tell you that doing nothing but eliminating pop from your diet will help.

I lost about five pounds in four weeks simply by eliminating pop from my diet. I had made no other changes at the time but kicking my 5-6 Coke/Monster a day habit. So yea, the fact that I have cravings to deal with here and there is not a fun thing, the contribution it made to the changes in my health is a positive and quantifiable one.

And the surgery. Well, I’ll be dealing with that one for the rest of my life.

I’m not sure I can come up with anything truly negative in regards to my choice to have weight loss surgery (WLS). I’ve never had any sort of complications really. I suppose mentally, I still have struggles with cravings. Not just for Coke, but for candy, donuts, crap I really don’t need. But, having this surgery has given me so much more back in return. It’s… well, there’s so many ways I’ve changed because of this surgery, I’m not sure I could ever cover them all. It’s amazing to think about some times, and others nearly impossible to wrap my head around.

But the changes that came about because of the surgery brought a cascade of changes with them.

the physical change in losing weight not only effected my physical health, but it’s changed me mentally as well. My self-confidence, while I wouldn’t say it’s sky-rocketed, in comparison… well I guess it’s been so drastic that I’m not sure how to even quantify it. I’m getting up and speaking about surgery as an option in front of groups of strangers on a regular basis. I’m making videos and putting them out there on the web for anyone to check out.

I put myself out there on a dating site and went out on dates with more women in a matter of months than I had been on in the last couple of decades. On top of that I’ve met someone that I’ve been in a great relationship with for over six months now.

And now… pretty much as a direct result of all this, I’m now a certified Specialist in Fitness Nutrition, and looking at starting my own business as a nutritional coach while pursuing further education with the possibility of eventually becoming a Registered Dietitian (likely with some sort of emphasis on bariatric nutrition).

Trying to put it all down in words here, it… it almost makes it seem overwhelming, a feeling I think we all go through.

There is simply no way for me to even scratch the surface when it comes to addressing the changes that just sort of passively hit you, let alone those that happen because of a conscious decision like having weight loss surgery.

So what’s the point of all this?

I’m not sure.

Maybe just knowing that “change happens”, maybe just knowing that not matter what changes you are dealing with, you’re not the only one can make the difference. The difference that not only helps you deal with those that are .. challenging, but also help you recognize those that are worthy of celebration.

My recent Head Games video took me a bit by surprise.

What I started out wanting to talk about was a sort of “the good, the bad, the ugly” sort of thing where I talked about some of the good things I’ve experienced recently due to WLS, some of the bad things I’m struggling with, and the ugly truth about excess skin.

I took a couple runs at it because I kept rambling on and going too long, I wanted to keep this under that magic 10-minute mark and kept blowing it.

So yea, things kind of wandered, but that’s fine. The whole body image thing has been in the back of my mind for awhile and something I’ve wanted to tackle but just haven’t gotten around to it. Plus, there are so many aspects to a topic like this it can be hard to know where to begin.

Warning, here be ramblings.

Readers Digest version… I wasn’t always fat. I was fairly normal as a young kid. Very active in sports, but I sucked at phys-ed. I hated the whole Presidential Fitness thing they did ever year. Couldn’t do chin-ups to save my life, and was always one of the last to finish at the running thing. I have memories of being part of Weight Watcher’s by the time I was out of Grade School…. and again in High School. In middle school I was big enough that the shirts that came with the gym uniform were tight on me and I earned the nickname “porky”, and I was well over 200 pounds by the time I graduated high school.

Combined with issues at home with my step-dad and with the exception of a few close friends I always felt quite the outcast.

I’ve had a few girl-friends over the years, but I never really… dated. I dunno. In many ways it’s because I never trusted myself. Yea, I would find someone attractive, and was attracted to someone here and there. But when it came to getting in to a relationship… was it because I truly felt something, or was I just happy enough that I found someone that expressed some interest in me?

I don’t regret any of the (few) relationships I was in, but looking back I can’t help but wonder why I was in some (most) of them.

In my early 30′s I had really gotten to the point where I had made a sort of peace with myself, that I was going to remain single. Yea, I know, looking back it seems kinda stupid. I mean, I was only in my 30s. But I was over pushing 350 pounds at the time. Between not trusting my own feelings and basically not feeling worthy, I had resigned myself to being alone. Sure, I got lonely at times. But what’s a seriously overweight, seriously introverted guy gonna do?

I would cover it with a bit of humor – I would say how I’m going to grow up to be that old guy sitting on the front steps in the Bermuda shorts with black socks, watering the grass with the hose and threatening to spray any of the kids that got too close to my lawn.

Then I met ‘her’. Not something I expected to do. Not something I wanted to do. But I guess that’s how it typically happens, no? She was the first woman I could say I really pursued. And as I told her once, I could close my eyes and see me as that old man on the front porch, but now I was relaxing in a rocking chair and instead of snarling at kids I saw her there with me, just enjoying the evening.

Obviously, that ain’t happening.

Things didn’t work out. Part of me still isn’t entirely sure why. Another part of me does blame the weight.

When that ended, I had my last major weight-loss prior to my surgery stuff. I went through a period of depression and I couldn’t eat. I lost about 40 pounds in less than two months. Not a weight-loss program I would recommend to anyone. And of course as things got better for me, I put the weight back on… and then some.

So yea, late last year, after having lost over 150 pounds, my life was going good. Really good. But I was … lonely.

Ok, that never really went away, but I’m not sure what’s worse. Being fat and alone, I guess I could bury those feelings in a bowl of ice cream, or a plate full of sour cream enchiladas, or whatever cheese laden, sauce topped, sugar loaded food I happened to have around.

But I don’t do that any more.

So I decided to try the online dating thing. Initially I got some good response, which was… weird. I was not really expecting it… but I went with the flow. Met a couple of nice women, chatted with a few others, and even “dated” someone for a little while.

It ended after she decided she was still too hung up on her ex, which was probably a good thing.

Looking back, I think I was getting in to the same old habit. Yea, I “liked” her. Yea, she was damn attractive… petite, brunette, very affectionate. But… I don’t think it would have lasted long anyways. At least it shouldn’t have. I think I was more in to the idea of being with someone than I was about being with her.

It wasn’t long after that I decided that maybe I’m just not ready yet.

So three months later, that’s where I’m still at. The idea of being with someone is still very appealing. It’s not that I had a bad life before, but things are just so much… more… now, that I think about the only thing that could make it better at this point is to have someone special to share it with.

I’ve made some ‘excuses’ about being too busy. I’m attending support-group meetings nearly once a week. Volunteering at the intro meetings for my surgeon a few times a month. Trying to make sure I get my exercise in. But really, I’m just not ready.

For as far as I’ve come, I still have a ways to go. I still suck at taking compliments, especially about my looks. To believe that someone might find me attractive, physically attractive, is still a foreign concept for me.

I am much more comfortable with who I am, I am much less introverted than I’ve ever been, but along with the weight I’ve lost I lost something else. I lost a lot of what made me, me. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing either, but it is something I’ve yet to fully wrap my head around.

While I may never fully do so, I think I need to get a better grip on it, get a better grip on who I am before adding something like a relationship in to the mix.

This is part of that whole mantra about how we have WLS to fix our body, but the mind stuff, that’s all up to us.

So yea, I’m ok with things like they are right now. Well, mostly. Some days are better than others. But I know that each week that goes by I am making progress, I am moving in a very good direction. And maybe, just maybe, years from now I will have someone with me on that front porch.

image credit: Waka Jawaka

I’ve been on another cooking binge (as you can see from a few of my recent posts), and in talking bout it on Twitter more than few people have been commenting to me on how they don’t cook, and someone asked me “How do you find your balance between eating to live and living to eat?”

This reminded me of an article on Zenhabits that has been sitting in my “topics” pile for awhile… and I thought it was time to hit this one up. Cause whether yer pre-op or post-op, married or single, there’s a pretty good chance the most intimate relationship you have is your relationship with food.

My basic response, or maybe even philosophy is that I still love to cook, I still love to eat, but now my challenge is to find food that I can enjoy that is better for me…. meeting my protein needs as well as being low in fat, sugar, but still just tastes good. I don’t eat as much as I did, I want to enjoy what I do eat.

But that’s me, that’s my relationship with food.

The article from Zenhabits is called It’s Time for a New Relationship With Food, and you know… I do have one. Gone are the days of “quantity vs quality”. Now it’s quality, in small a quantity.

The article is a pretty good read, it touches on how food is often used for pleasure, for comfort, for rewards, and goes on to point out that while food seems to be the answer for so much that we tend to forget it’s really there as fuel for our bodies.
One of the points made that one of the best things you can do to lose weight is to just eat less.

Despite what the food industries have convinced us, we don’t need to eat as much as we do to survive. Sure, maybe eating that much is fun, and pleasurable, and will stave off boredom, and is fun to do with friends and family, and so on. But we don’t need to eat that much. Actually, we need to eat less.

The problem isn’t that it’s so difficult to eat less. The problem is that we have a complicated relationship with food that started when we were toddlers and has become more and more complicated through the years, through endless amounts of advertising, of eating when we’re sad and lonely and happy and bored and at parties and going out and on dates and watching TV and dieting and so on.

Our complicated relationship with food makes it hard to cut back on how much we eat.

The article then goes on to give some tips on dealing with this, from just being more aware of why you are eating to finding other ways to entertain ourselves and socialize that don’t revolve around large meals.

Easier said than done for most, but luckily I have a pouch to help me out there.

That’s not to say I don’t still have my issues. I still have my lapses (like the bowl of EasyMac I’m having with lunch today), and I still am fighting “boredom snacking”. Maybe I always will. But this tool has given me a new perspective, it’s bolstered my overall changes in my relationship with food in a very positive way.

I don’t think there’s much in that article that any post-op hasn’t heard before, but give it a read… it can be a good reminder for us all.

Photo Credit – Or Hiltch

Toxic waste isn’t good for ya. Plain and simple right? When it comes to WLS success, there are things we need to avoid like they are a barrel of toxic waste or there will be “adverse health effects”, just like the sign here says.

The first one I want to touch on here is selflessness. If you want to have long term WLS success, you’re going to need to learn to be selfish, or in other words you need to learn to put you and your needs ahead of those of others.

Before I was a former fat dude, I was pretty lucky. I had a number of great friends that did like me for me. But there were always these nagging feelings in the back of my mind, especially when it came to any sort of relationship with women. And these nagging feelings, I know now, led me to do things for others that I really shouldn’t have, simply to get that feeling of acceptance, the feeling of being needed by others.

Like I said, this was very much the case with some of my relationships with women – I mean heck, being kept around, even if it was just a friend was great right? Being someone they would turn to… being the shoulder they would cry on. It was the greatest thing in the world, but it was something. And it can be easy to get caught up in feeling that it’s better than nothing.

And I know I knew at the time this wasn’t a good thing for me. But that’s cause I wasn’t sure I would have known how to say no if I wanted to. And actually, deep down, it’s not that I didn’t want to say no. It’s just the need to be needed was greater. And the part of me that didn’t get something out of this… well, that was cushioned, protected, kept more or less sated by eating and that buffer of weight I carried with me.

But now, to continue to be so selfless, I know would be to invite WLS failure… or at least greatly increase the chance of it.

See, to make this work I have to think of myself first. Nobody else is going to do so… and even if others are encouraging and supportive, if I don’t continue to look out for my best interests I will end up failing at this. I’ll fall back in to old habits that will feed old insecurities, and like a barrel of toxic waste those insecurities will burn away at me and the success I’ve had.

Ok, fine… I’m not talking being a prick about it. Not a jerk, not even really being a meanie about it. But you plain and simply need to learn to think of yourself first.

Steps towards this include:

• It’s ok to say “no” to your friends and family at times.
• That taking the time to take care of yourself is not only the best thing for you, but it’s good for others as well.
• That it’s ok to put the needs/wants of others before, IF IT IS YOUR CHOICE to do so, and you’re not just reacting to the situation.

By taking care of yourself, it means you will be a stronger, healthier person who in the end will be able to much more for yourself and those around you.