So I’m in the shower… (no, this isn’t gonna be THAT kind of a post) and my thoughts wander to some stuff I want to post about today, cause it’s been waaaaay too long. And there’s just something relaxing about a nice hot shower that lets my mind wander rather nicely.
I went out for a walk/run this morning, going through the Couch to 5K stuff again, trying to get my running game back on… so my phone was still playing music as I was showering. I was formulating thoughts in my head on what I wanted to write about… I need to include some thoughts on the bit of weight that’s creeping up on me. My size 33 shorts are still fitting, but they are a bit snug when I put them on right out of the dryer.
Most people who see me (unless you’re right there as I step out of the shower I suppose… but like I said, it wasn’t gonna be THAT kind of a post) wouldn’t notice the difference. I do, and I’m determined to do something about it. Thus, getting up at 5am the other morning to go for a walk/run, going for a bike ride after work Friday, and another walk/run this morning.
Anyways, as I turn off the water and grab for my towel, one song ends, and another begins.
Dido, Live at Brixton Academy.
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
but I’m so lonely I don’t even want to be with myself anymore
Isn’t it ironic?
Wait, wrong artist.
See… besides being Sunday… besides being Easter… today is the 3-year anniversary of my bariatric surgery.
Now, I’m not trying to say this is exactly how I’m feeling. I mean, I feel safe. And overall, I’m happy. In many ways I’m happier than I have been in … I couldn’t tell you how long. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. I realize it’s not Thanksgiving, and while I’m not particularily religous I know I have a lot to be thankful/grateful for in my life right now.
So yes. I’m “happy”. But I think it’s more about being happy (mostly) where I am at, and happy (mostly) with where I am going. But overall, am I just plain happy? I’m not sure.
Maybe it’s because I’m not feeling deep in my own world… Working two jobs that don’t bring in enough money to pay my bills, trying to do other side things to bring money in while also developing my health coaching business and make time for exercise and even ocassionally getting out to do something fun like a bike ride with a friend or maybe some paintball. Am I in too deep? Sorry, different artist again.
And maybe it’s the feeling lonely. It’s been nearly a year since I was in my last relationship. It’s not that I wouldn’t like to be in another. But… I don’t know. With everything I have going on, with everything I need to do to get to the next place I need to be (as in a stable career that allows me to pay my bills, etc), it seems like adding a relationship in to that right now isn’t… well, let’s put it this way. I’m already feeling stretched to my limit, tring to add more will mean something will suffer. And that wouldn’t be fair to anyone I were to possibly get involved with and/or to myself in regards to my career path, etc.
I don’t have any magic answer here. It’s just .. it just is right now. I’m sure part of why I’m eting more than I need to be lately, eating things I don’t need to be lately, is in part due to the the lonliness. Well, I’ve typically called it “boredom eating”. But I think it’s deeper than that. Knowing that, and fixing it are two different things. But it is a start I suppose. Knowing is half the battle right? I’m aware. I’m not just ignoring it.
I know it will get better.
I know I will be happy again.
It just takes time.