So I’m in the shower… (no, this isn’t gonna be THAT kind of a post) and my thoughts wander to some stuff I want to post about today, cause it’s been waaaaay too long. And there’s just something relaxing about a nice hot shower that lets my mind wander rather nicely.
I went out for a walk/run this morning, going through the Couch to 5K stuff again, trying to get my running game back on… so my phone was still playing music as I was showering. I was formulating thoughts in my head on what I wanted to write about… I need to include some thoughts on the bit of weight that’s creeping up on me. My size 33 shorts are still fitting, but they are a bit snug when I put them on right out of the dryer.
Most people who see me (unless you’re right there as I step out of the shower I suppose… but like I said, it wasn’t gonna be THAT kind of a post) wouldn’t notice the difference. I do, and I’m determined to do something about it. Thus, getting up at 5am the other morning to go for a walk/run, going for a bike ride after work Friday, and another walk/run this morning.
Anyways, as I turn off the water and grab for my towel, one song ends, and another begins.
Dido, Live at Brixton Academy.
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
but I’m so lonely I don’t even want to be with myself anymore
Wow.
Isn’t it ironic?
Wait, wrong artist.
See… besides being Sunday… besides being Easter… today is the 3-year anniversary of my bariatric surgery.
Now, I’m not trying to say this is exactly how I’m feeling. I mean, I feel safe. And overall, I’m happy. In many ways I’m happier than I have been in … I couldn’t tell you how long. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. I realize it’s not Thanksgiving, and while I’m not particularily religous I know I have a lot to be thankful/grateful for in my life right now.
So yes. I’m “happy”. But I think it’s more about being happy (mostly) where I am at, and happy (mostly) with where I am going. But overall, am I just plain happy? I’m not sure.
Maybe it’s because I’m not feeling deep in my own world… Working two jobs that don’t bring in enough money to pay my bills, trying to do other side things to bring money in while also developing my health coaching business and make time for exercise and even ocassionally getting out to do something fun like a bike ride with a friend or maybe some paintball. Am I in too deep? Sorry, different artist again.
And maybe it’s the feeling lonely. It’s been nearly a year since I was in my last relationship. It’s not that I wouldn’t like to be in another. But… I don’t know. With everything I have going on, with everything I need to do to get to the next place I need to be (as in a stable career that allows me to pay my bills, etc), it seems like adding a relationship in to that right now isn’t… well, let’s put it this way. I’m already feeling stretched to my limit, tring to add more will mean something will suffer. And that wouldn’t be fair to anyone I were to possibly get involved with and/or to myself in regards to my career path, etc.
I don’t have any magic answer here. It’s just .. it just is right now. I’m sure part of why I’m eting more than I need to be lately, eating things I don’t need to be lately, is in part due to the the lonliness. Well, I’ve typically called it “boredom eating”. But I think it’s deeper than that. Knowing that, and fixing it are two different things. But it is a start I suppose. Knowing is half the battle right? I’m aware. I’m not just ignoring it.
I know it will get better.
I know I will be happy again.
It just takes time.
I love the calmness and honesty of your post. What’s great is that you have the weight loss behind you. Congrats on your 3 year anniversary. I cherish my anniversary! Yes the maintenance is the hard part but it is life. And like life I find it ebs and flows. So glad you are reaching out to the C25K, running has helped me find my rhythm on many occasions. It physically makes me feel strong and confident. Do you run alone? There are a few running clubs in my area. I’ve often thought that running with a group or maybe just another person might be soothing. And also if the right partner great company. Like you mentioned, keep moving forward. My favorite thing to say recently is “lean forward” and your body will follow… it just has too.
Except for maybe once or twice I have only run alone. I don’t… enjoy it. But I know it’s one of my best shots at building my endurance.
I would much rather be out there on my bike :>
I get it even though I wouldn’t run. LOL.
Rob -
I’m 13 months post-op, and have been working out since a few months before my surgery, and started exercising as soon as I was medically cleared to. I’ve been doing a mix of resistance and cardio training. For as far back as I can remember, I’ve paraphrased Kurt Vonnegut, saying that ‘man is born with a finite number of heartbeats, and I’m not wasting any of them by jogging or running’.
Through my trainer and your blog and a couple of other influences, I’m glad to say that I’ve now begun actually *jogging* on a treadmill! (It’s not as weird as I thought it would be to do it – it’s actually easier to jog at 5.0 mph than it is to walk at 4.8 mph, but it *is* weird to *say* that it actually feels good.. no, great…to be able to!
Thanks for doing what you do, as it helps inspire me to do what I’m doing!
Dana
A co-worker has often said the same Vonnegut line to me… and I’m inclined to disagree.
If that were the case, there would be an argument to not only avoid exercise, but also things like love… which is another thing that can get the heart racing – in an entirely different, but usually a very enjoyable way.
Course, if it is true, I wouldn’t consider either one of them a ways :>
You’re welcome… and thank you for your comments.